Depending on the level of stoopidity involved, these situations can easily turn into circumstances where you’ll have to defend yourself and take a punch.

• If you’re in a fight, you’re going to get hit, especially in a street brawl or when someone attacks you unexpectedly.

Getting hit hurts, so here is what you need to know to take a punch and live to fight another day.

How To Take A Punch

The Stance

The most important part of learning to take a punch is your stance. If you lose your balance, you’re in a heap of trouble.

Your feet should be a shoulder width apart.

Your strong leg should be slightly forward.

This seems backward, but it’s a technique taught by many professional fighters. If you can coordinate your strong arm, your strong hip, and your strong leg simultaneously, you’ll devastate your foe when you connect with a punch of your own.

Keep Moving

1. Make yourself into a more difficult target.
2. Your knees should never be locked.
3. Keep your chin down and your eyes up at all times.
4. Don’t dance around like a moron, but keep moving and circling your opponent.

Step Into The Punch

This sounds contradictory, but the further away from the punch you are, the more velocity with which you can get hit.

• Minimizing the distance will reduce the impact.

Stepping into the punch will make your opponent have to back up in order to prepare another blow, which will give you an opportunity (and the distance) to strike.

This doesn’t mean you should try to absorb the punch with your face. It means you should close the distance when he comes toward you.

If you can keep him off-balance, the edge is yours.

Breathe

Your breathing must be slow and controlled because doing so:

1. Will allow you to keep your core tight when a punch is coming.
2. Will keep oxygen flowing to your brain and muscles.
3. Keep you from getting out of breath too quickly.

Stay Calm

Panicking is your worst enemy. Many assailants will lose the will to engage in a brawl if you show confidence and an unwillingness to back down.

Taking a punch sucks, but it never hurts as much as you’d expect when you’re in the middle of a scuffle and your adrenaline is pumping.

It’s the debilitating blows you have to guard against and be prepared for.

The Best Alternative To Taking A Punch

Of course, the best course of action in any physical altercation is to not be in one.

Don’t stoop to some Neanderthal’s level and get into a fight just because he’s being an ass.

Talk your way out of it, apologize, walk away, or whatever you have to do to avoid potential physical injury.

No matter what he thinks, you’ll be the winner.

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Depending on how long you’ve been in a relationship (or not), you might possibly be in need of some serious therapy.

Millions of attached women all over the country are now complaining about the extra calories they consumed in the form of chocolate, wine, and fat-filled candlelit dinners with desert.

Millions more single women are picking up snotty, tear drenched tissues and throwing them, along with their hopes and dreams, into the trash.

Either way, surviving the day after Valentine’s Day can be a challenge no matter who you are.

The Stoopidity of Valentine’s Day

How exactly did we get into this mess?

Society has taught us that if we really love someone, it’s imperative that we show it on this day every year…or else.

Of course, you’re supposed to “show it” with gifts…mainly cards, chocolate, dinners, and jewelry.

If you fail at this somehow, it can cause a major catastrophe. You can be ostracized, exiled, or worse…rendered sexless.

One thing is for certain: This commercially fueled holiday has disaster written all over it.

What Is Valentine’s Day Anyway?

Does anyone even know what we are supposed to be celebrating here?

From what I could tell from my own research, there is no definite answer as to when or why Valentine’s Day even began.

Some think St. Valentine was a priest who continued to perform marriage ceremonies after Emperor Claudius II made it illegal for young men to wed. He thought that single men made better warriors so wanted them to remain unattached, but Valentine continued marrying them anyway…in the name of love.

Others think Valentine was killed for trying to free Christians from Roman prisons where they were often tortured and beaten. When Valentine became a prisoner himself, rumor has it he sent a special woman love letters from inside the prison and signed them “from your Valentine.” He was eventually beheaded.

What a guy.

Thanks A Lot Valentine!

Somehow, all that brutality, torture, and murder got transformed into love, romance, and making sure you don’t end up in the doghouse because your gift wasn’t good enough.

My Facecrack wall is suddenly cluttered with pictures of flowers, stuffed animals, jewelry, and heart-shaped sweets.

If you have a significant other, it’s best to just play the game and hope you pass the test.

If you’re single, consider yourself lucky that you got to escape the stoopidity…at least until next year.

I can remember at 15 sneaking out in my brother’s black Firebird Trans Am (the one with the eagle on the hood) and driving my girlfriend around the neighborhood in the middle of the night blasting Parents Just Don’t Understand.

Obviously, Jazzy Jeff and the Fresh Prince were a big part of my childhood, and there aren’t too many of his movies I haven’t enjoyed, either.

Having said that, let’s begin.

Will Smith Facebook Poster

I don’t know every detail of Will Smith’s life and times, so I won’t presume to say he has not had his share of struggles, but let’s review the facts:

• He was born into a middle class family by two people with higher than average intelligence.
• He got good grades in school and high SAT scores.
• He had a recording contract and was making millions of dollars before he was 20 years old.

Now, since he was just a kid, he didn’t manage his money well and nearly went bankrupt, but as luck would have it (since he had already reached a level of fame and notoriety), NBC gave him a television show that was hugely popular and he hasn’t had to worry about money since.

Not A Facebook Poster Boy

I don’t begrudge Will Smith his money or success. In fact, I congratulate him. He looks like the kind of guy who’d be fun to hang out with.

But I don’t quite think his face should be the one on a stoopid Facebook poster about struggle in the “financial hardship” sense of the word.

This is just one of those little sentiments that make little people feel big about being an ass to those they’ve kicked out of their lives for not kissing their rears.

• A woop-woop along with a little fist pump, and we can get back to our mindless TV shows and sharing stoopid Facebook posters.

I wasn’t there during your struggles, Mr. Smith. Does that mean we can’t be friends?

Call me.

If you have any of the following written on your online dating profile, please take it off. You’re just making things harder on yourself.

Stoopid Things Women Say Online

“No games.”

Understand what is happening here…

1. The guy saw you and was attracted to you.
2. He met you to learn more about you.
3. He got to know you and didn’t like you any more.
4. Or he had sex with you and it wasn’t that great.

If a guy takes off, there is a reason. You might want to think he was just playing games, but that’s not necessarily the case. He just saw something he didn’t like and bailed.

This is why we date, ladies. We learn about one another to see if we want to get serious. There are all kinds of freaks out there so don’t take it personally.

You might not like the way he handled his exit, but women don’t handle this well most of the time either.

“No liars. I hate liars!”

No one likes to be betrayed, but we’ve all been there.

In fact, we both know that women lie just as much as men, if not more so. This is one of the most hypocritical things women say.

What you should actually say is, “Don’t lie about your feelings for me if you don’t have any.” Or, “If you aren’t happy, just move on instead of cheating on me.”

“No douchebags!”

This one made me laugh. Are you serious? I can imagine scores of douchebags stopping by this dating profile and saying, “Oh, darn! Too bad I’m a douchebag. Better skip this one.”

“I don’t want no guys with drama.”

If you have 3 kids and have never been married, you lose your right to make “no drama” one of your criterion for a man.

Excuse me as I slap myself in the head.

“I’m looking for my soul mate.”

No such thing. Just find a guy who you can be great with. He won’t be perfect, so don’t expect him to be.

“I’m looking for a guy who will sweep me off my feet.”

Look, he’s not the rich billionaire from Pretty Woman and you’re not a prostitute (hopefully). Stop getting your relationship ideals from romantic comedies.

The reason men keep disappointing you is because of your expectations. You’re trying to make him fit into your vision of happiness and most likely it’s too unrealistic.

Come out of the clouds, be yourself, and let him be himself. If you find someone who loves you in a real way, the rest shouldn’t matter.

“I have kids and they will always be first.”

So you’re letting us know right up front that you want a man who will make you his everything, but he will never be the same to you?.

Yeah, sign me up.

“You have to be faithful!”

Ladies might not want to hear this, but the faithfulness of a man depends largely on how well you meet his needs. They may be freaky and impractical, but the fact remains that if he’s happy, he’ll stay.

“Not looking for a booty call.”

Listen Sweetheart, I support your right to dress as you please, and in a perfect world men wouldn’t see your body spilling out of your clothes and immediately start thinking about having sex with you, but that is what we do.

Don’t post half-naked pictures of yourself and expect to get respectful comments.

• Feel free to list other stoopid things women say below, or start a ”stoopid things men say” thread.

Have at it.

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They really do understand that humans are stoopid and use that fact to their advantage.

The word “deserve” gets thrown around a lot as they try to capitalize on the selfish sense of entitlement that is so prevalent in the world today.

It’s everywhere.

• “Get the body you deserve.”
• “Get the money you deserve.”
• “Hold out for the man/woman you deserve.”
• “Get the job you deserve.”
• “Have the life you deserve.”

I hate to break it to ya Spongecake, but you don’t deserve anything.

You don’t deserve the thin, sexy body you covet so badly if you sit on your rear all night after work and eat pizza rolls.

You don’t deserve any increase in pay if you do the bare minimum at your job instead of working to be more productive and efficient.

You don’t deserve a great relationship if everything is always about you and you think your partner or spouse is there to serve you or make you happy.

• I know this…and they know this…but they will gladly encourage your feelings of privilege if it gets their hands into your wallet.

People Who Do Deserve

Do you know who really does deserve a little something extra? Are you one of these people?

• People who have put someone else’s life ahead of their own.
• People who always think of what’s best for others before considering themselves.
• People who work their asses off from sunrise to midnight because they have dreams of a better life.
• People who go above and beyond the call of duty for others on a daily basis.

You’re not deserving just because you had sex and were able to give birth. By the way, your kids aren’t deserving either. They will make their own way in life if you parent them properly and give them the tools they need to succeed.

You aren’t deserving just because you live in the United States of America.

You aren’t deserving just because you are of a certain race, religion, ethnicity, or financial class.

You aren’t deserving just because you woke up today and took a breath.

I realize that it’s easy to get some things for free in this world, but the fact that you will accept it says something important about your future?

If you’re one of those people who feel entitled to the things you deserve for whatever reason, don’t have any big hopes or dreams.

You’ll never attain them.

You have already thought about the ideal mate you’d like in your life. You already have a vision of the kind of man you want him to be.

You might have even taken the time to make a list of all the qualities your (insert Prince Charming synonym here) will need to possess to make you happy.

And this idealistic vision might very well be what is destroying your relationships.

Setting Up The Fall

He can easily live up to your dreamy archetype in the beginning because you’re looking for the good in him.

So the good is what you see.

• You notice whenever he does something right.
• Your heart skips a beat every time he says something that fits him into that list you made.
• And of course he is on his best behavior, more romantic and chivalrous than he will ever be.

He seems perfect…for now.

This is the fairytale time. This is the whirlwind that sets up the fall.

• Because eventually, you will see that he is human, that he makes mistakes, and that he is not perfect.

And when Prince Charming makes his first error, your vision of him goes down the tubes.

Then comes the biggest mistake of all:

You assume that if you love him enough, and if you can be the woman he has always wanted, he will become the same for you.

People Don’t Change

You might not be actively trying to change him, but you are hoping he will change himself.

The problem is that most people don’t change outside of a catastrophic life event.

Aside from that, he probably believes that his soul mate will love him for who he is.

But you don’t love him for who he is. You love him for who you think he can be…

If only you do the right things.

Prince Charming Is Not Real

A perfect man does not exist.

For that matter, neither does a man who is “perfect for you.”

Let all those ridiculous clichés go. They only ruin what could be.

• You might be missing something great because you’re focusing on what’s in your head instead of what’s right in front of you.

Find someone who makes you want to be a better person. Then see if the two of you will become something greater by being together.

The rest is just details.

Can Facebook posters get any stoopider than this?

First, if you didn’t bother to look into the lower right hand corner, this is an advertisement. You are being used.

Some manipulating website owner created a stoopid Facebook poster that he knew people would share, and put his web address on it to get some free exposure.

Oh, but it’s for Jesus so I’m sure you’re happy to do it.

YOU are the reason Facebook posters like these continue to clutter my news feed.

Bold Enough To Say It

Let me get this straight…

In a country where the very Constitution ensures our freedom to worship as we please without fear of government persecution, and where 80% of the population is Christian, you’re bold enough to be one of the huge majority and say you love Jesus?

I am astounded by your bravery.

There are places on Earth (just not where you live) where you’d be tortured and killed for saying such a thing. I wonder if you would be bold enough to stand on a street corner and raise your Bible in the air if you lived in one.

Even Jesus’ most devoted followers denied Him when the going got rough.

Life is Good as the Majority

You’re not blazing any trails here Lunchbox.

Being a Christian is one of the easiest things in North American life.

In a land where you are protected in saying just about anything to just about anyone, sharing a Facebook poster proclaiming that you love Jesus isn’t exactly stepping out into scary ground.

And it certainly isn’t all that bold.

Nice try though, Pumpkin.

Gun control is a never-ending topic of debate.

Every time something bad happens with a particular instrument or device, you can bet there will be people trying to “regulate” it for the sake of keeping others “safe.”

How nice of them to attempt to restrict my rights and my ability to protect myself for my own good.

The passions of others never cease to infringe on my personal freedom. Hence, we have gun control.

Hey Doorknob, are you going to come over to my house and defend my family for me? Are you going to stand at the door and fight off intruders that might want to rape or kill someone inside?

• “That is what the police are for.”

Oh really? Okay, have a crazed crackhead kick in your front door, attack you with a knife while you’re sitting on your couch, and see if you can stay alive long enough for the cops to get there.

It is for just this type of scenario that we need to preserve our rights to own a gun if we wish.

When seconds count, the police are only minutes away.

My Neighbor Might Try To Kill Me

Because we see guns so often on TV and in movies being used in horribly violent ways, it’s easy to develop an unnatural fear of them.

Politicians compound the issue of gun control when they realize they can capitalize on this fear and garner votes by taking up the cause.

• But you can kill a person with just about anything. Why stop at gun control? Why aren’t people trying to regulate knives, hammers, tree limbs, frying pans, or even our own fists?

I read an article in which one genius said he was against average citizens owning guns because, “you never know when your neighbor might go crazy and kill you.”

If that is the case, why are guns the problem? If he’s going to go crazy and kill you, does it matter if he has a gun or not?

Sounds like the problem is with the neighbor, not guns.

This is just one example of how stoopid people get when they think with their emotions and fears instead of their intellect.

The fact of the matter is that gun owners are some of the most responsible people on the planet and they take that responsibility very seriously.

Most Gun Owners Control Themselves

Aside from the state and federal background checks that deny guns to those with a criminal record or mental defect, the people I know who own guns are the most likely individuals to de-escalate a situation if things get heated.

They are often the first ones to walk away from a confrontation, call the police to handle a potential threat, and find an amicable solution to every day disputes.

• Most gun owners control themselves. They don’t actually want to use their guns. They aren’t walking around hoping for a chance to shoot someone.

Criminals aren’t going to suddenly put their guns down just because you made the laws more stringent. All gun control does is make it more difficult for law-abiding citizens to protect themselves when all they want is for their loved ones to be safe.

And that pursuit should not be controlled.

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On to the weird facts…

Today I Learned…

• For several years in the late 60s and early 70s, there were cities in the US where it was illegal to be seen in public if you were too ugly.
• There is a mountain in northern Greece where women are strictly prohibited, including female animals.
• Some time in the early 80s, Wayne Pearson was the first person in history to LOL.
• The youngest person to be inducted into the high IQ organization Mensa was two years old. She had an IQ of 156 which is only four points lower than Einstein.
• Even though Marilyn Monroe died in 1962, she still earns $27 million per year.
• In Grover, North Carolina, there is a Darth Maul Drive and a Yoda Drive one block from each other.
• Mathematician John Littlewood calculated that the average person experiences one miracle a month, which is defined as something significant that occurs having a probability of one in one million.
• The reason the Google homepage is so simplistic is because the founders didn’t know HTML when they created it.
• Every one of the cardigan sweaters worn by Mr. Rogers on his show was hand-knit by his own mother.
• The ammunition company Hornady actually produces “Zombie Defense Ammo” designed specifically for the zombie apocalypse.
• Man vs Wild star Bear Grylls’ first name is really Edward.
• $100 in a regular BoA savings account yields one nickel in interest for every $60 in maintenance fees.
• In California, it costs more to execute someone on Death Row than to keep them incarcerated for life.
• There is a hiding spot in Pacman where you can sit still safely for as long as you like.
• Cheerleading was originally an all male activity.
• The IRS manual contains instructions on how to tax people after a nuclear war.
• The term “sidekick” originally referred to a pickpocket’s partner. His job was to snatch items from the “kick,” which was the front side-pocket of a pair of trousers.
• In 1999, Fabio was riding a roller coaster when a stray goose flew into his face. The goose died.
• Actor Woody Harrelson’s father was a hitman convicted of killing a federal judge.

And there you have it. There’s two minutes of your life you’ll never get back.

It’s criminal because fast food companies run multi-million dollar ad campaigns trying to convince people their food is healthy, and manipulative because there are people stoopid enough to believe it.

Let’s face it, stoopid people are everywhere, and devious ad campaigns are aimed at getting their money.

While it’s true that no one is forced to eat this garbage and so we shouldn’t complain when it makes us ill or obese, when the companies themselves are being shady they have to assume some responsibility.

The Healthy Happy Meal

Case in point is the Healthy Happy Meal by our old friends who use a clown, free toys, and indoor playgrounds to sell their crap to kids.

The Healthy Happy Meal is being marketed as “healthy” because it includes a reduced number of fries, apple slices, and a choice of milk instead of soda.

• This nation is going to keep getting fatter and sicker if we allow government agencies to set the guidelines for what is and what is not healthy, because every decision our government officials make is determined by who is getting paid, who is doing the paying, and who is securing votes for the next election.

To think politicians are working for anyone but themselves these days is just purely ignorant.

Fast Food Crap

Let me break it down for you:

Reducing sodium, calories, fat content, and portion sizes in crap doesn’t stop it from being crap, and taking some crap out of the crap doesn’t make it better crap. It’s all still crap! There are no degrees of crap. It’s either crap or it isn’t, and it doesn’t cease to be crap just because you eat less of it.

That’s like saying dog poo is better than zebra poo. It’s all still poo and you shouldn’t put any of it in your mouth!

Replacing one kind of crap with another also does not reduce its crapiness.

There is no way to make crap healthy.

• Fast food salads are not healthy. They are filled with chemicals that make them crap.
• Apple slices that come in a bag and are sprayed with preservatives are not healthy. They are crap. Real apples turn brown when they are sliced.
• Chicken nuggets are not healthier than a burger. They are still crap.
• Any kind of meat that doesn’t rot after a few days is crap.
• French fries that you can find in your car after a year that are still a yummy golden brown are crap.
• Milk is crap. It comes from a cow and is made for cows. It’s also filled with hormones. If you want calcium, try eating some green vegetables.
• Food made on a conveyor belt is crap.
• Food handed to you in a bag while you’re in your car is crap.

Are you getting the picture here?

It’s either crap or it isn’t. It can’t be somewhat crappy, and some crap is not better than other crap. If it’s crap, it’s crap.

Plain and simple.